Parents expect temper tantrums from 2-year-olds, but tantrums don’t necessarily stop after the toddler years. Older kids sometimes have trouble handling anger and frustration, too. Temper tantrums range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, and breath holding. Some children may experience regular tantrums, whereas for other children, tantrums may be few and far between. Children’s temperaments vary dramatically - some kids are more prone to tantrums than others.
Tantrums can be downright frustrating. But instead of looking at them as catastrophes, treat tantrums as opportunities for education.
There are several basic causes of tantrums that are familiar to parents everywhere: The child is seeking attention or is tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. In addition, tantrums are often the result of children’s frustration with the world - they can’t get something (for example, an object or a parent) to do what they want. Frustration is an unavoidable part of kids’ lives as they learn how people, objects, and their own bodies work.
A Parent’s Role
Managing kids — whether it’s one or more — can be a challenge. Some days keeping the peace while keeping your cool seems impossible. But whether you’re reacting to an occasional temper flare-up or a pattern of outbursts, managing your own anger when things get heated will make it easier to teach kids to do the same.
To help tame a temper, try to be your child’s ally — you’re both rooting for your child to triumph over the temper that keeps getting him or her into trouble.
While your own patience may be frayed by angry outbursts, opposition, defiance, arguing, and talking back, it’s during these episodes that you need your patience most. Of course you feel angry, but what counts is how you handle that.
Reacting to your child’s tantrums with yelling and outbursts of your own will only teach your child to do the same. But keeping your cool and calmly working through a frustrating situation lets you show — and teach — your child appropriate ways to handle anger and frustration.
Let’s say you hear your kids fighting over a toy in the other room. You have ignored it, hoping that they would work it out themselves. But the arguing turns into screaming, and soon you hear doors slamming, the thump of hitting, and an eruption into tears. You decide to get involved before someone gets hurt.
By the time you arrive at the scene of the fight, you may be at the end of your own rope. After all, the sound of screaming is upsetting, and you may be frustrated that your kids aren’t sharing or trying to get along. (And you know that this toy they’re fighting over is going to be lost, broken, or ignored before long anyway!)
So what’s the best way for you to react? With your own self-control intact. Teaching by example is your most powerful tool. Speak calmly, clearly, and firmly — not with anger, blame, harsh criticisms, threats, or putdowns. Of course, that’s easier said than done. But remember that you’re trying to teach your child how to handle anger. If you yell or threaten, you’ll model and ingrain the exact kinds of behavior you want to discourage. Your child sees you so angry and so incapable of controlling your own temper that you can’t help but scream — and that won’t help your child learn not to scream.
What You Can Do
Regulating emotions and managing behavior are skills that develop slowly over time during childhood. Just like any other skills, your child will need to learn and practice them, with your help.
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