Doctor Jokes
- The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
- Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”"I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”
“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”
- A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired.
“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”
“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.
“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”
“So, what’s your problem?”
- A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”
The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”
The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?” The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.”
- After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. “Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”
“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. Haroldson replied. “I hung him up to dry.”
“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
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