Humor
1. A diplomat is some1 who can tell sum1 2 go 2 hell & make them look forward 2 the trip.
2. Wife: today is our marriage anniv. !
Husband: Oh ok keep quite and have a mourn for 2 mins!
3. A day without sunshine is like, night.
4. Ever stopped to think, & forget to start again?
5. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I’m reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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