Latest Jokes
Latest Jokes
Best way to get money from any women…
“Hey, Mom,” asked Johnny “can you give me twenty dollars?”
“Certainly not.”
“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”
His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”
He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.”
1.The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
2.The Barbie Dolls…
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”
The Manager replied, “Which one? We have, ‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for .95 …
‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for .95 …
‘Barbie goes shopping for .95 …
‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for .95…
‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for .95 …
and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for 5.00.”
“Why is the Divorced Barbie 5.00, when all the others are .95?” Dad asked surprised.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture.”
3.Thru a child’s eyes…
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911.
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again.”
4.Beware of Dog
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.
“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
5.Cross-eyed Rottweiler
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to the vet: “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?”
“Well” said the vet “lets have a look at him”
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at it’s eyes.
“Well” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down”
“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” says the man.
“No, because he’s heavy” says the vet.
6.Little Johnny
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. “Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
7.The Weigh Scale
Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. “Whatever you do,” cautioned one youngster to the other, “Don’t step on it!”
“Why not?” asked the sibling.
“Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!”
8.The Earthworm
My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
“No, honey, he won’t do for bait,” his mother said. “He’s not an earthworm.”
“He’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”
9.Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to
swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her.
I’ll give you a hundred dollars.”
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached
the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man,
the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?”
The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. OK buddy, how much do I owe you?”
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Cool jokes, I could kiss the person who made them!Send them to me in my inbox and I will have fun!
Comment by Nannu — March 3, 2010 @ 5:23 pm